Suburban woman with a stable family background, fluency in Spanish and French, and a degree in executive motivational training is recovering from the shock of her life. Amber Tilly had never had any weight issues; she owed her splendid, sporty figure to a solid exercise regimen and a healthy diet. In a matter of weeks, her dynamic and successful routine took a turn for the worse, as she lost substantial weight, built up a permanent pallid complexion and a voracious appetite. Friends and co-workers suspected problems in her private life, and some even advised to her to check into rehab. In the face of the physical and emotional strains on her life, and the incessant urge to eat anything and everything, she remained uncompromising in the effort to root out the cause of her condition. After extensive medical examinations, which included anaemia and malaria tests, a CAT scan diagnosed her with a four foot tapeworm snuggled up in her intestines. Doctors are currently feeding her raw lemon and lime juice to combat the worm’s hunger before any surgical steps.
A nursing home attendant confessed to lighting fires around the home to “lighten up the cold, dark days of winter” for patients and to mark a small, bright spot that is visible from the International Space Station. Albert Prinslick, familiarly known as Chip and a favorite of the female residents, was apprehended accidentally after a patrol car responded to a report of public urination. Prinslick’s “sixth sense” suggested to him that he was being watched, so he extinguished the first sparks of a new fire by biological means. After a thorough frisk, police seized five lighters, boxes of matches and four gallons of fire accelerant, as well as a pocketful of dry weed from the man. He is held without bail.